Dance Break!

Dear Beautiful People,

Tonight as I was coming out of Giant Food and a lady with her young son were coming out of Starbucks our paths intersected, and we did that little jig that folks do.

All of a sudden I said, "Spontaneous Dance Break!" And both of us started dancing like fools -- in the dark, our hands full of stuff, laughing all the way. I think I saw the whites of her son's eyes as they rolled back in his head. (I'm counting that as his "contemporary dance" offering. ;)  )

My life is filled with adventures -- great and small. I am thankful for them all. :)

http://feministing.com/2013/11/05/yoko-ono-dance-break/

Engagingly Yours,

~*~scf~*~ 

New Perspective

Today I found myself behind a driver travelling at 32 mph in a posted 45 stretch of the road.  As those of you that know and adore me will attest, I have a bit of "road rambling that occasionally gets loud" (as Overlord Protector #1, my eldest son, terms it).  This time I did not "pitch a fit."  However, I did take a look at the driver as I passed.

Her face was filled with such joy.  I started smiling in those brief seconds I had to share with her.  Then, I laughed out loud with my own happiness.  I wanted to wave to her as she turned to continue on her separate journey.  But I didn't.  Sometimes it's enough to know I can see things from a new perspective.

Love & Light Beautiful People,

~*~scf~*~

I Am Awake!

So Beautiful People,

I start a blog then I disappear for nearly three months.  What gives?  I'll tell you: I did.

At first I thought I was experiencing a "settling-in" with my Celiac disease and diabetes, just getting into the flow six months into living with my new and improved physical life.  But slowly and surely the insidious, internal self-sabotage began.  "Outside Shawn" was awesome.  "Inside Shawn" was running around like a rat in a maze.  And someone just hadn't moved my cheese.  Someone had wafted its beautiful, pungent smell all throughout the corners of my mind and said, "Fuck you. You can't have your cheese.  Suck it hard!"

And down into the abyss I went ...

I have no idea what caused my PTSD break, something I "thought" I had "under control."  What a lie I've told myself since 1997.  PTSD is a fact of my life; it doesn't rule my existence.  I can, do, and will continue to thrive with it.  Once I accepted that I would not understand what caused me to spiral down and into my mind's living hell, a process of about six weeks, I finally sought caring, intense help.  YET I still told no one, not my family or friends -- none of my "heart" support system.

I was extremely bad this way ...

I'd like to say I never allowed them to help me because I was cognizant of situations in their lives.  I was trying to be a loving, caring friend, myself, and not add my "issues" to their "problems."

That was a crock of shit ...

My own insecurities and abject fear of being vulnerable did not allow me to tell the people that love me the most that I needed them.  I was hearing voices (a first for me); I had ringing in my ears; I was only working and existing in a fog outside of that.  I was barely holding on.  And I was scared, so very scared.  BUT I was terrified of sharing all of this with ANY of them.  How sad.  How small.  How unloving of me to deny them the opportunity to provide care and love.

"The Forgotten" ~ Zindy Nielsen

I had a chance to change everything inside of me ...

And I took it.  I took it surrounded by other women with their own broken stories -- none of us with judgment towards one another -- all of us with open hearts and open minds for each other.  I am ecstatic my body told my mind to "shut up," and I listened.  (Thank you, Body -- I love you!)  I am thankful that I threw away decades of negative shit.  I am grateful that I never will look at women the same way again.

This work was not easy, and it was intense.  I was given choices every step of the way, including the choices to say "No" and to be authentic.  In all honesty, there were times I opened my mouth to say one thing, and that deep core truth spilled out.  (Thank you, Body -- I love you!)

I WILL cry my tears; I WILL be raw and exposed.  I WILL live my out-of-the-box, quirky, full-on loving life.  I WILL own my shit.  I WILL continue to be adventurous and surround myself with those of you that appreciate all of me.  And I still love all of you no exceptions, wishing peace for all.  It is finally, finally, finally well within my soul.

And now the voices inside my head sing a lovely song ...

I AM AWAKE!

Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place. ~ Rumi

And Let It Begin With Me

I AM NOT IN CONTROL

Everyone wants peace -- well, almost everyone.  Beauty pageant queens hope for it; most world leaders work towards it.  Me?  I live it, and it's a conscious effort to do so.

There came a point in my life when I realized, "I am in control of nothing -- save my behavior and reactions to others' actions."  Being a recovering control freak perfectionist, this "epiphany" was long-fought, yet ardently sought, knowledge.

I learned (am continuing to learn) the following:

LIFE WILL HAPPEN

Life moves forward, whether or not we wish for it to do so.  Perfect moments we desire to freeze; wretched times we want to fast-forward through any despair.  All occur in a random series of events without our often seeing their thread of connection.  I learned this lesson the hard way -- and repeatedly.  No matter how much control I tried to exert over people or situations, que sera, sera.  "Whatever will be, will be ..." and was.  It took me losing my home, giving up custody of my son and finally -- at the age of 44 -- taking care of no one but myself, for me to realize that life didn't look upon me with any sort of favor.  Life just "is."  It was exactly what I needed to discover in order to exist.  I had to learn to simply "be."  It is a life-long lesson on which I pluck away every single day.

I AM A SERVANT OF PEACE

Life happens, but I'm in charge of the path I choose along the way.  "All that we are is the result of what we have thought," says Buddha.  I believe this, and I know that my thoughts become my actions in the truest sense.  The moment I realized it takes longer to think about doing something than actually doing it, I made the conscious decision to act with peaceful purpose in my services to others.

So every day I strive to live an existence of intentional goodwill -- accepting, respecting, and loving everyone (no exceptions).  I seek to bring tangible hope to all I encounter.  And I know, in my bones, that peace is attainable.  I know because it begins with me; and I am a servant of peace.

HEARD SOMEBODY SAY -- Devendra Banhart

THE PEACE SONG  -- Nigerian All Star Ensemble 

WORLD PEACE PRAYER  -- Lakha Lama

Welcome to my blog.  I look forward to having you join me in this wonderful and wonder-filled adventure.  And I believe that with your help and guidance we will bring peace into the world.  Let's continue -- together.

~*~Peace & Blessings~*~

Shawn Catherine