So Beautiful People,
I start a blog then I disappear for nearly three months. What gives? I'll tell you: I did.
At first I thought I was experiencing a "settling-in" with my Celiac disease and diabetes, just getting into the flow six months into living with my new and improved physical life. But slowly and surely the insidious, internal self-sabotage began. "Outside Shawn" was awesome. "Inside Shawn" was running around like a rat in a maze. And someone just hadn't moved my cheese. Someone had wafted its beautiful, pungent smell all throughout the corners of my mind and said, "Fuck you. You can't have your cheese. Suck it hard!"
And down into the abyss I went ...
I have no idea what caused my PTSD break, something I "thought" I had "under control." What a lie I've told myself since 1997. PTSD is a fact of my life; it doesn't rule my existence. I can, do, and will continue to thrive with it. Once I accepted that I would not understand what caused me to spiral down and into my mind's living hell, a process of about six weeks, I finally sought caring, intense help. YET I still told no one, not my family or friends -- none of my "heart" support system.
I was extremely bad this way ...
I'd like to say I never allowed them to help me because I was cognizant of situations in their lives. I was trying to be a loving, caring friend, myself, and not add my "issues" to their "problems."
That was a crock of shit ...
My own insecurities and abject fear of being vulnerable did not allow me to tell the people that love me the most that I needed them. I was hearing voices (a first for me); I had ringing in my ears; I was only working and existing in a fog outside of that. I was barely holding on. And I was scared, so very scared. BUT I was terrified of sharing all of this with ANY of them. How sad. How small. How unloving of me to deny them the opportunity to provide care and love.
I had a chance to change everything inside of me ...
And I took it. I took it surrounded by other women with their own broken stories -- none of us with judgment towards one another -- all of us with open hearts and open minds for each other. I am ecstatic my body told my mind to "shut up," and I listened. (Thank you, Body -- I love you!) I am thankful that I threw away decades of negative shit. I am grateful that I never will look at women the same way again.
This work was not easy, and it was intense. I was given choices every step of the way, including the choices to say "No" and to be authentic. In all honesty, there were times I opened my mouth to say one thing, and that deep core truth spilled out. (Thank you, Body -- I love you!)
I WILL cry my tears; I WILL be raw and exposed. I WILL live my out-of-the-box, quirky, full-on loving life. I WILL own my shit. I WILL continue to be adventurous and surround myself with those of you that appreciate all of me. And I still love all of you no exceptions, wishing peace for all. It is finally, finally, finally well within my soul.
And now the voices inside my head sing a lovely song ...
Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place. ~ Rumi
I start a blog then I disappear for nearly three months. What gives? I'll tell you: I did.
At first I thought I was experiencing a "settling-in" with my Celiac disease and diabetes, just getting into the flow six months into living with my new and improved physical life. But slowly and surely the insidious, internal self-sabotage began. "Outside Shawn" was awesome. "Inside Shawn" was running around like a rat in a maze. And someone just hadn't moved my cheese. Someone had wafted its beautiful, pungent smell all throughout the corners of my mind and said, "Fuck you. You can't have your cheese. Suck it hard!"
And down into the abyss I went ...
I have no idea what caused my PTSD break, something I "thought" I had "under control." What a lie I've told myself since 1997. PTSD is a fact of my life; it doesn't rule my existence. I can, do, and will continue to thrive with it. Once I accepted that I would not understand what caused me to spiral down and into my mind's living hell, a process of about six weeks, I finally sought caring, intense help. YET I still told no one, not my family or friends -- none of my "heart" support system.
I was extremely bad this way ...
I'd like to say I never allowed them to help me because I was cognizant of situations in their lives. I was trying to be a loving, caring friend, myself, and not add my "issues" to their "problems."
That was a crock of shit ...
My own insecurities and abject fear of being vulnerable did not allow me to tell the people that love me the most that I needed them. I was hearing voices (a first for me); I had ringing in my ears; I was only working and existing in a fog outside of that. I was barely holding on. And I was scared, so very scared. BUT I was terrified of sharing all of this with ANY of them. How sad. How small. How unloving of me to deny them the opportunity to provide care and love.
"The Forgotten" ~ Zindy Nielsen
I had a chance to change everything inside of me ...
And I took it. I took it surrounded by other women with their own broken stories -- none of us with judgment towards one another -- all of us with open hearts and open minds for each other. I am ecstatic my body told my mind to "shut up," and I listened. (Thank you, Body -- I love you!) I am thankful that I threw away decades of negative shit. I am grateful that I never will look at women the same way again.
This work was not easy, and it was intense. I was given choices every step of the way, including the choices to say "No" and to be authentic. In all honesty, there were times I opened my mouth to say one thing, and that deep core truth spilled out. (Thank you, Body -- I love you!)
I WILL cry my tears; I WILL be raw and exposed. I WILL live my out-of-the-box, quirky, full-on loving life. I WILL own my shit. I WILL continue to be adventurous and surround myself with those of you that appreciate all of me. And I still love all of you no exceptions, wishing peace for all. It is finally, finally, finally well within my soul.
And now the voices inside my head sing a lovely song ...
I AM AWAKE!
Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place. ~ Rumi
